This morning, I watched, once more, the various ceremonies remembering 9/11. My heart is troubled. I cried as the bells were rung. On this day, September 11, 2001, our nation was radically changed. On this day, 13 years ago, terrorists declared war on our nation, our citizens.

In October 2001, the Patriot Act was signed into law. This act began the slow process of us losing our civil liberties. Because of this law, TSA began policing our airports. In 2012, President Obama signed an Executive Order banning freedom of speech and peaceful protest when Secret Service is around. After that, he signed the NDAA. This time it was different. This time, it allowed for the indefinite, unlawful detention of anyone, including United States Citizens. People, our civil liberties are being quickly taken from us, by our own government, all in the name of "security". Our nation is no more secure now than it was in 2001. The ONLY ones paying the price for this is WE THE PEOPLE! How much more are YOU willing to sacrifice? How much more of your freedom are YOU willing to give up? If you don't stand up for your God-given rights, then what are you standing up for?

Terrorists attacked us. Instead of the terrorists being the ones targeted, instead of our borders being secured, instead of foreigners being made to follow OUR laws......WE are being punished on a daily basis. Illegals have been allowed on OUR planes without ID. Illegals are being allowed to get passports from OUR Social Security offices within a day while our CITIZENS must wait weeks or even months. Illegals are being allowed access to government assistance while our elderly, military, and disabled are made to starve or die. I say illegals because there are terrorists coming across our OPEN southern border. Tell me again....what are you standing up for? Tell me again....what are you fighting for? Is it to get more weed because your state allows it? Is it for more "social" equality? Tell me again....what will it take for YOU to finally realize that YOUR silence is helping this nation to crumble?!?!

There are legitimate issues in this country that do need to be addressed. However, what makes you think they will ever be addressed as long as YOU sit on your butt and remain silent?!? Wake up America!!!!!! Both the movie Red Dawn and Todd Beamer from Flight 93 said it all...YOU choose either way: WOVERINE ....LET'S ROLL!!!!

My Realization of Autism

Life has a way of making us grow up...whether or not we're ready. From the time I was about 18, I'd always wanted a child. I would get so excited each month, only to be let down.  Mind you, I got married to my first husband at the age of 19 (1989). For all the years of our marriage, I was pretty much told by all the doctors that it was my fault I wasn't getting pregnant because I was overweight...obese. No tests were ever run, nothing. Just pure judgmental speculation that it was my fault due to being....fat. Fast forward to 2004......I was surprised to find out, in July, that my then husband and I were expecting. Though we were excited, it didn't last very long. I started getting sick (which I hadn't been doing). I should have known something was wrong...but ignored it. We found out the day of my 34th birthday that the baby was dead and I would miscarry (which happened the next night). Due to me "flipping out" (as my ex put it), we ended up separated in 2005, divorced in 2006.

In April, 2006, I met James. I wasn't looking for a long term relationship, much less a marriage partner, or even a baby daddy. However, all three happened (not in that order). I got pregnant (much to my surprise) seven months into our relationship. Our son, Jesse, was born in August, 2007. I should have known something was up because he didn't sleep like other babies did. Even at a week old, he'd lie on the couch after being changed and just wiggle, wiggle, wiggle....looking everywhere. Naps, what were those? When he took one, it lasted maybe 30 minutes tops. Even at night it was like this.....two hours sleep, wake up, eat, wanna play for another 2-3...then repeat. Our son didn't sleep all the way through the  night until he was almost 3. Needless to say, I was an exhausted momma. I didn't understand why he was so active, why he didn't want to sleep. Even when I mentioned things to his THEN pediatrician, I was treated as I were some 13 yr old first time momma. Mind you, I turned 37 eighteen days after his birth. I didn't understand why he'd scream bloody murder when we'd go to the store. I didn't understand why he behaved any of the ways he behaved.

By the time he was about 4, we changed his pediatrician. Allergy test done. Boom...milk allergy. Thankfully, I'd gone against the previous Pediatrician and taken him completely off milk. Next thing, an "evaluation" for Asperger Syndrome and ADHD (the latter never being in question). It took us until December 2012, to finally get the diagnosis of an Autism Spectrum Disorder and Sensory Processing Disorder.

I went through sharing all of this because it's important to the rest of this blog.

For many years, I've "mourned" the child I didn't have. I cried because I didn't have a "normal" son. I viewed my son as broken in some way. It hurts me even typing this. However, it's important because I know there are others who've felt this way, but were too afraid of saying it. You see, I waited a long time for a child. I couldn't wait to take my son to Chuck-E- Cheese. I couldn't wait to watch the fireworks on July 4th and listen to him "ooooo" and "ahhhh". That stopped by the age of 4. The "boom" of fireworks scares him. The mouse at Chuck-E-Cheese terrifies him. Rubber fishing bait grosses him out...and he will run from it. The sound of certain motorcycles will make him run off in terror, screaming, so he can "hide". Once again, he's afraid of the dark....so much so that the doors have to be closed completely, curtains must be closed completely, every light in the house must be on (just for him to go to the bathroom). In the bathroom, the shower curtain must be closed so he can't "see" the dark. His snacks must always be in the same wrapper, or he will not eat it. This year, the sound of the brakes on his bus bothers him. Listening? Quite often, I must yell in order to be louder than the other things begging for his attention or other things that overwhelm him. When his senses get so overloaded, being pushed over the edge leads to a meltdown. This is different from a tantrum. He doesn't care who sees it.  He doesn't care how he's perceived to be behaving. All he sees is what's directly in front of him...and it's usually me or his daddy. We hold him, when necessary, so he can fight the meltdown out without injuring himself, but mostly so no one else is injured. See, our lil man likes to fight during a meltdown. He doesn't, at that time, realize what he's doing. Once a meltdown is over, though, PEACE must be maintained because his little brain is still worked up. What we got through, what Jesse deals with, is mild in comparison to what some others go through.

I don't look at autism as a gift from God. Our son is a gift from God. If I could take the autism away, I would. Sometimes, one of the most difficult things to do is look  him in the face and seeing a "normal" child. No matter how "normal" he behaves, he has a lost look in his eyes. It's this look like he's trapped within himself..and can't get out. Mind you, he may not feel that way. I don't know.  He doesn't know how to express his often mixed emotions...at such a young age. The thing is, I admitted this to my sister one morning on the phone. I broke my heart to hear the words flow from my mouth, even as it hurts just reading the words as I type. I finally admitted to someone that I had a "broken" child. I felt so selfish for even thinking it, much less saying it. How could I, his mother, feel that way about him? I didn't get to be the mommy I'd always hoped I'd get to be. I was forced to become an alternative version of her. Even now, the realization of that hurts so deeply. BUT.....my son didn't ask to be born with Autism. Yes, if I could take it away I would. However, my job isn't to try and "fix" him. My job is to love him. My job is to raise him.

I no longer grieve the child I didn't have. Now, I sometimes cry for the years I lost in not bonding better with him (though we've been bonding over the past 3 yrs or so). See, I didn't "bond" with my son when  he was younger. I kept hearing things like "what are you doing to that child" or "why is he acting like that". Even when he'd have a night terror, I'd be asked what I had done wrong. Even now, people tell me that they don't have problems with our son's behavior. Though I know they don't mean it like this (at least I hope they don't), it makes me feel as if I'm a bad mommy...that I'm the one causing his behavior. I cry so much, sometimes, because my heart aches....not just for how I feel, but how my son must feel. Every day, seeing things much brighter than I. Every day, hearing things much louder than I. Every day, his sense of touch much more sensitive than mine. I've realized....my son wasn't the one who was broken.....I am. I was broken.

Our son is a blessing. I've learned so much from him. I'm learning how to be a better momma. No, I do NOT pray for patience (it's tried enough already...lol). Yes, I still have to explain to people that we don't do certain things, don't go to certain places, don't sing happy birthday, don't have balloons of any kind, etc. Now, I take joy in every laugh (whether appropriate or not). I take joy in every smile. I take joy in every sparkle he gets in his eyes. Just a giggle in his sleep makes me smile. I have the most loving son on the planet (yes, he loves to snuggle).

This blog wasn't written for sympathy. It was written because I want other parents to know that they have a safe haven to express the type of feelings that I've had....without being ridiculed. My life has been enriched so much by my husband and our son (as well as my step son). I am forever grateful for the "legos" I've stepped on to get to this point. Yes, it's been a mentally and emotionally painful 6 yr journey to get to this point; however, I finally reached it. Be the shoulder for someone to cry on. Be the arms that just give them a hug while they cry. Be a rock when they can't even find the strength to stand. Parents of special needs children may seem tough, and we are...we don't have a choice; however, even we need someone to just "be there". That's my advice in this one...."just be there". Trust me, that is the best thing anyone can do.

Truly loving your neighbor as yourself

While some choose to discount Psychology, I've been learning true mental illness is quite real. It's NOT some fabricated mental state due to someone turning one's back on Jesus or neglecting the healing power of the Creator. There are legitimate occurrences in the brain that bring these issues on. ONLY in understanding the true nature of mental illness can one truly pray for God's way of healing in a person. Yes, there are those who make light of mental issues. It is they who give the truly needful people a bad name. How can we tell someone to "just look to Jesus" or "turn it over to God", or the infamous "God won't give you more than you can bear" while choosing to negate the possibility that there could be a reason behind the issue? God doesn't put mental illness on us (or in our brains). Yes, He is the answer; however, how can we even point a person to the answer if the chemicals in the brain aren't getting the right message to where it needs to be? We can't. By blaming the person who has legitimate chemical imbalance, we, in essence, are telling that person that he/she is a let down to God, the Creator. Not everyone is born with perfectly firing neurons. Sometimes, those little things just misfire. This brings so many possible issues into the mix. I believe, that with accurate diagnosis, this will help a person (even a Christian Psychologist...or even a Psychologist who prays) properly pray for the exact healing a person needs. Sometimes, it could be a minor as a vitamin, mineral, or amino acid deficiency. Other times, it could be mental exhaustion or stress. There are other times, however, that the answer isn't that simple. When the neurons in our bodies don't send the right messages, or even fail to send one, it can cause many things to happen to the brain...to the way someone thinks or feels. I also learned, through my Psychology class reading, exactly WHY God wants His creation to wait for sex until marriage. It's because there's a neurotransmitter that helps us to physically bond with someone. That's why the Bible says that the "two shall become one flesh". It's the same neurotransmitter/hormone, that helps a momma kiss and hold a child after that child has caused pain of any kind (to the mother). There are other neurotransmitters that are responsible for our sleep patterns, how we feel, etc. When any of these is "off" or not being forwarded as they should, it's a problem. Before we condemn someone with a possible mental illness, maybe we should take the time to find out exactly what is causing it (should there be one). We are taught to "rightfully divide the word of truth" because God's word is truth. While we are doing that, though, let's ask God's guidance in praying for someone. If someone is afraid, it's not good enough to simply "rebuke the feeling of fear". How about praying for God's peace, you know, that peace that passes all understanding, to stand guard over that person. We should also tell the person that "God's NOT given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and a sound mind." Instead of telling a person to "give their problems to God", how about we pray that the person get into God's will and that His Spirit will lead that person on the path that he/she should go. God's word has all the answers we need. We, though, need to learn how to ask God the correct way to pray for someone. Stop being selfish and praying the way YOU think God wants you to pray. THAT is the essence of truly loving and praying for someone. Only in praying that way, will we Christians, as a whole, truly begin to love our neighbors as ourselves.

Don't be so earthly minded that you're no heavenly good

Deedee, don't get so heavenly minded that you're no earthly good. I watched a sermon this morning titled, "State of Rebellion". I thought that just because I was getting closer to God, well, closer than where I was, that I wasn't rebelling against God.  Boy, was I ever wrong. I've rebelled against God, when He tells me to do/say things and I don't. I've rebelled against my husband when I pitched a fit (like a little kid) when he stated something didn't feel right to him. Honestly, I've rebelled against our son by thinking that he was keeping me from "enjoying life" or "having fun". I realized that all this rebellion has made me out to be quite the angry, resentful person. While everyone around me is enjoying life, I wasn't.


Rebellion: refusal to come under the authority of someone above

I was refusing to submit to God's authority over me, as well as the authority my husband has. Pastor James (Word of God Ministries) said " Rebellion give birth to stubbornness". Man, is that ever true. I was getting more stubborn with every "no" or "foot stomp".

Now, what does "don't get so heavenly minded that you're no earthly good" actually mean? Honestly, I've said that about people before. All they thought about or talked about was God. I don't know what it means to any of you, but that's what it meant to me. I thought these people were arrogant (and sometimes they were). Thing is, I want to be "so heavenly minded that I'm no earthly good". I want my mind set on the things of God. In doing that, I'll be a better wife, a better mother, a better Christian....a better me. The thing is, though, not to become arrogant in that walk....not to think of myself more highly than I am.  We are to be humble in our walk with the Lord...no matter how much we know or think we know. Always be open to correction...but from those you trust (or those who "come along at just the right time). If one is truly listening to the voice of the Lord, then one can discern if the person is truly speaking from God (of course, God will NEVER have someone say anything that is contrary to HIS word...the Bible).

I've realized that I don't want to be so earthly minded that I'm no heavenly good. In other words, I don't want to be so focused on worldly things that I neglect God. THAT is what I was doing. People come and go, but God will NEVER leave me nor forsake me. People will let me down, but God will NEVER turn His back.  People will lie to me.  God is NOT a man that He should lie. Do I want to be more like God or more like people? The answer is quite clear....MORE like GOD. It's time to make that choice.  It's God, my husband, our son, then everyone else.  This time, God will NOT be neglected in order for me to be accepted by anyone.  This time, my husband will NOT be neglected in order for me to have "me time". By prioritizing things, I will be better in all areas of my life.  I'm looking forward to smiling more.  I'm looking forward to laughing more.  I'm looking forward to my husband and me getting closer than we already are. God has given my husband wisdom that I need to listen to. God has given us an amazing son who deserves NOTHING but the best from his mommy. THOSE are my goals now. NO ONE will be as important in my life as those three.

As I grow in the Lord, my witness will also get better. Right now, it's not up to par. Right now, people really can't tell, unless I say it, that I'm a Christian.  That's not how it's supposed to be. With God's help, I won't become arrogant in my walk..but stand upright with confidence in who I am in God...NOT what others think of me or want me to be. That's what I say to all of you who read these. Don't be arrogant in your walk...but do be confident in who God is and what God says. God will NEVER let you down.....even when people do. NEVER be so earthly minded that you're no heavenly good.

"If MY people...."

2 Chronicles 7:14

Amplified Bible (AMP)

¹⁴ If My people, who are called by My name, shall humble themselves, pray, seek, crave, and require of necessity My face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven, forgive their sin, and heal their land.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Chron%207:14&version=AMP

I see this scripture quoted quite a bit. I'm curious, though, at how many people actually pay attention to it. I used the Amplified Bible because it goes MUCH more into detail regarding the various words used in the scripture. This scripture deals directly with those of us who call ourselves Christians. I'm curious:  just how many Christians are willing to admit their sins? Oh, you don't have any? For starters....gossip, gluttony, strife, idolatry, adultery, murder, witchcraft.

Gossip: sharing "prayer requests" all in the name of sharing to get prayer for someone else. Gluttony: yeah, not just about food. It's about craving more of anything than that which is required. Strife: causing division, being quarrelsome. This often goes hand in hand with gossiping. Idolatry: excessive or blind adoration, reverence, devotion. How many are putting their denomination above serving God? How many are putting their preacher above God by thinking their preacher is above reproach? Adultery: not only is it actually having sex with someone who's not a spouse, it's also lusting after someone who's not your spouse. Murder: not simply killing someone.  Jesus said that if someone has hate in their heart, that person has committed murder. Witchcraft: rebellion is compared to witchcraft. (1Samuel 15:23), astrology, fortune telling, mediums (talking to the dead).

I'll be the first to admit that I'm guilty of pretty much every one of these...and a few more. I mainly listed those above because most Christians believe that they aren't really sinning since they don't "go out drinking", they "don't smoke or do drugs", they don't "actively sleep around on their spouse", or they don't "participate in the act of witchcraft".  Christians forget that there are other sins for which they are quite guilty. How about this: James 4:17 says, "So any person who knows what is right to do but does not do it, to him it is sin."  How many of us "know to do right" but don't do it? Sin, in the the New Testament, doesn't JUST refer to physical acts. There are many sins that are "sins of the heart".  By that, I mean the intention behind our actions (look at Jesus' reference to adultery and murder for instance).

Christians, NONE of us is above reproach, not even preachers. If someone comes to you, in a loving manner, and speaks to you of behavior that isn't "quite right", don't get offended and tell him/her "the bible says to not judge".  On the contrary.  The Word says, in 1 Corinthians 5:12, "What [business] of mine is it and what right have I to judge outsiders? Is it not those inside [the church] upon whom you are to pass disciplinary judgment [passing censuring sentence on them as the facts require]?" It is 100% Biblical to say something regarding the behavior of those "in the church". No, I'm not saying I'm perfect. By no means am I perfect.  Sometimes I feel I fall so short of God's glory that I wonder if a rocket to heaven would even be able to get me there.  It's then that I remember that God shows me mercy and grace every day. Be mindful of your thoughts, your feelings, your actions. I know I have a lot to repent of.  Don't you?

Is there a war on our sons?

http://www.nationalreview.com/article/358589/what-about-our-boys-interview

According to the link, there is. From the article, "Today’s classrooms tend to be feelings-centered, risk-averse, competition-free, and sedentary. As early as pre-school and kindergarten, boys can be punished for behaving like boys. The characteristic play of young males is “rough-and-tumble” play. There is no known society where little boys fail to evince this behavior (girls do it too, but far less). In many schools, rough –and-tumble play is no longer tolerated. Well-meaning but intolerant adults are insisting “tug of war” be changed to “tug of peace”; games such as tag are being replaced with “circle of friends” — in which no one is ever out. Boys as young as five or six can be suspended for playing cops and robbers. Our schools have become hostile environments for most boys."   My son was reprimanded for shaping his hand into a gun and saying "pow pow".  Our society has gotten so politically correct that our sons risk punishment just for acting like boys. Mind you, I'm not talking about the train wreck of behavior that is seen in some boys.  I'm talking about the rough housing, cops/robbers type of behavior that is being punished in our schools. Our sons are being sissified by society today.  This has been happening for quite some time. When boys get into fights at school, whatever happened to letting them fight it out?  From what I've been told, many friendships were developed between boys after a fight.  No, I'm not saying let them beat the crap out of each other to the point of a hospital visit.  I'm saying, let them be boys. Boys have an "built in" NEED for aggression, for being predators, for hunting prey.  They have a built in need to explore.  They have a built in need to be rough sometimes. This is healthy, within age appropriate boundaries. Do we let our sons beat up on everyone? Heaven no. Do we allow them to defend themselves?  Oh yes.  Our son has been told, by his dad and me, that should he be hit, kicked, or attacked in any way physically, that he should first tell a teacher.  If it happens again, he has every right to defend himself in the appropriate way.  Example:  our son had a little boy in kindergarten who kept hitting or kicking him.  Our son hit the boy and kicked him back. It finally took our son punching the kid in the nose for the kid to back off and leave him alone.  I will NOT allow my son to be bullied because of political correctness.

Our society is teaching little boys that they are to be more sensitive.  Crap, how much more sensitive do they need to be?  Does society want them at the point that they have hormonal issues..beyond adolescence? Sheesh.  Does society want our sons to break down and cry over every little thing?  Society has taught men to be more "in touch with their feminine side" then wants to pitch a fit because men are too girlie.  Well, which say does society want it?  Oh yeah, I remember.......gay pride.  THAT is what society is trying to turn our sons into. No, I'm not bashing gays.....crap...get off that high horse of false pride over that one. I'm point blank telling you all that I'll be damned if my son will be turned into some unicorn riding princess because he's too much of a boy. Women want a man to be a MAN.  Women do NOT want some chick parading around with a penis!

My son is a boy!!!!  He will act like a boy!!!  He will be taught, by his daddy, to be a MAN.  It's time for parents of sons to rise up and protect our children! Little girls are protected the whole way around.  Our sons are not. Our sons are told to "toughen up" when harassed yet NOT allowed to properly protect themselves. Parents, teach your sons to protect themselves.  Guard your sons from society's version of  "manhood".

A "new move" of God? Really?

I read an article today that claims there is a "new move of God" coming.  I'm curious.  Did God ever move the original move of God someplace secret? It seems that way considering all these folks that keep looking for a move of God.

Too many Christians, today, are busy seeking that "feel good", those "holy ghost goose bumps", that "I'm here but not here" type feeling from every move that comes their way. I've heard of people driving hundreds of miles to experience these "moves of God". What makes them any different than staying at your home church and experiencing God? That's right.  They have "signs" showing what God's doing.  Doesn't YOUR church have signs?  If not, what's the problem?  The Word of God says that signs will follow them that believe.  Does your church have this belief in God?  Why do people in churches pray for God to show up? Aren't you supposed to be taking him in WITH you?  I mean, when someone becomes a Christian, God lives inside him/her via the Holy Spirit. If you have to pray for God to show up, did you leave him at home to watch the game..and then end up praying He's got time before the game to make His presence known?

How foolish are you to think that God does something new.  Is there a new way of healing? Is there a new way for provision?  Is there some new way of salvation that the Holy Spirit forgot to tell the writers of the Bible? I'm curious.  What exactly makes something a "new move"?  Does God contradict  HIS Word where it says "I am God. I change not"?

Christians have made God to be some new age godlike person that "enters us" upon reaching a "worship state of mind".  You know, that state of euphoria that is experienced in most charismatic churches....and "new moves". I've heard people laugh.  I've seen people, on videos, barking like dogs. These things, my friend, are NOT from God. God gives us laughter in exchange for mourning. God will NEVER make someone bark like a dog. God will NOT make someone roll all over the floor. I'm even beginning to question the "slain in the spirit" aspect of most "moves of God".  Most of those who fell on their backs were struck dead. Most who were really in the presence of Almighty God fell to their faces. I've "hid" my face numerous times.  Not because I was afraid of God.  But because it was so overwhelming and awe inspiring. There have been times that I've fallen to my knees due to this presence. Now, which is truly being "slain in the spirit"?  The position of death or the position of being humbled in the presence of God? Thing is, they can both be.  HOWEVER, if it's the feeling of being so overwhelmed by God that you seek, try just getting into HIS word. Stop chasing a mere man. Stop chasing everything that gets classified as a "move of God".

How about this:  just stop chasing God.  God's NOT running away from you.  In fact, the exact opposite.  God is always with you.  It is WE who run from God.  If you don't "feel" God, it doesn't mean He's not there. It means that YOU aren't doing what YOU'RE supposed to be doing.  How do we get closer to God?  It's sure not by chasing a man or a move.  It's by getting into God's Word.