January 12, 2011 at 10:54pm
I was outside smoking and decided to have a little talk with someone.
No, it wasn't God...at least not at first. It was Jayden.....the one
who would have been my first born.
I was so excited the
day I found out that I was pregnant. It was something that had been
prayed for for quite some time. We were so happy. We started picking
out names over the next few days, even started collecting baby things.
The theme was going to be baby loony toons. Others, who'd been praying
with and for us for years, were almost as happy as we were. The first
appointment was okay...just a general checkup. The next time I went to
the doctor was a different story. It was Aug 19, 2004....the day of my
34th birthday. We were supposed to be able to hear the baby's
heartbeat. The doctor did the ultrasound.........only to be able to
inform me that our child, who should have been 10 weeks, was only 8
weeks developed...and no heartbeat. It was then that we were told that I
would miscarry. I should have known something was wrong. I'd had NO
sickness at all. I was having to eat every 2 hours, even though I
couldn't eat very much. A couple of weeks before my birthday, I started
getting sick.....at about everything. I even had to go home from work
after being there for only an hour or so....too many bathroom trips (if
ya get my drift). Being told that we would lose our baby was the most
horrible piece of news we could have ever received.
That
night while getting a back rub, I saw a little boy who looked to be
about 8 yrs old. He had dark eyes and dark hair. He looked alot like
his dad. He told me, "mommy, I love you but I have to go now." Needless
to say, I started crying. I knew I was looking at my son...Jayden
Michael. He was the most precious site I'd ever seen.
The
following night, we were out at my youngest brother's house with his
family. I had to call out to my sister-in-law....she knew what was
happening. My brother, C.L., rushed us all to the hospital. While
waiting on them to get me in the back, I told a nurse I needed to go to
the bathroom. In a nutshell, I delivered my son that night...just not
in the way I'd planned. Losing him impacted me more than I thought it
did at that time.
For those of you who didn't know, I
actually have two children....one in heaven with God....the other here
with James and me. I've cried many tears over the first one.....tears
of sadness, depression, anger, questioning, etc. I think I felt every
emotion possible to mankind.
I just had a talk with him a
little while ago...right before I started writing this. I told him
that I love him. I also told him thank you....he must have said
something to God in order for me to be blessed with Jesse. He must have
thought I'd be a good mommy.
All I can say now is this:
Jayden, Mommy loves you so very much. I will never forget you;
however, it's time for me to let you go. I didn't get to hold you in my
arms, but I've held onto you so tightly since you decided you needed to
leave. I will NEVER forget you. Jesse will NEVER take your place in my
heart. I don't think I can love Jesse the way he needs me as long as I
still hang onto you. You will forever be in my memory....the way you
appeared to me....the little 8 yr old boy with eyes that shined.....your
beautiful brown hair....the love in your voice when you spoke to me.
Thank you so much for loving me enough to tell me goodbye before you
physically left my body. I have things on here on earth that I must do.
You have a great time, as I know you are, with your Great Grandpa White
and your Great Grandpa Fry. I know that they love you as much as I do.
I love you my son. ...... Love, Mommy.
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